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Thread: Pub Joke Thread

  1. #41
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    the family get the soup bowls out

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    There was a man who just entered a town, he sat down in the local pub and heard a gang of guys talking about a sad horse. The man walked up towards the gang and told them he could make the horse laugh. The gang didn't believe him so they told him that he'd get £100 if he made the horse laugh.

    The man went to the horse and wispered somthing in his ear. And the horse laughed so hard he pissed himself. The man got his £100.

    The next night the gang contacted the man and told him: If you could make a sad horse laugh you can try to make an xtra £100 for making him cry.

    The man accepted the gangs offer and walked up to the horse once again.
    He wispered something in his ear and showed him something. The horse started cryin like a little baby..

    Rightfully the man got his xtra £100 but the gang wanted to know how he did it..

    The man told the gang that the first night he told the horse that I've got a bigger cock than you, there for the horse laughed
    The second night I showed it, and the horse cried

  3. #43
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    oh jocke that was so funn

  4. #44
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    There was a hooker in amsterdam that had two tatoos, one on each thigh. On the right thigh is was a portrait of Boris Jeltsin(Former russian president) and on the left on it was Bill Clinton(Former american president).

    She told her clients that if they knew both names of the portraits he would get a free shagging session.

    An american man was about to have a proper shagging when she asked him. Who are these men? He said that the one on the left is Bill Clinton, not sure about the other one though. No freebie here.

    A russian man was asked the same question the same week. He said that the one on the right thigh was Boris Jeltsin but he didn't know the other one. No freebie there either.

    The following week a german man was about to undress the hooker. She asked him the same question. He said: I don't know the left one or the right one. But the man in the middle with the red hair and fucked up lips must be Boris Becker(Former german tennis player).

  5. #45
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    what do call a woman with no legs?

  6. #46
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    GrahamP wrote:
    what do call a woman with no legs?
    Go no then?

  7. #47
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    a dirty cnut

  8. #48
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    What do you call a black man who's flying the charter flight to turkey?


    Try to guess now fellas..

  9. #49
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    JockeHD wrote:
    What do you call a black man who's flying the charter flight to turkey?


    Try to guess now fellas..
    go on then

  10. #50
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    "Try to guess now fellas"

  11. #51
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    go on jocke

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    Well i you didn't know that he's a pilot you must be some racist bastard

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    England are to change the badge on their football shirts.

    The 3 lions will be replaced with three tampons.

    To represent the worst fuckin period they've ever had.



    chezi.

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    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to , doesn't they don't love you with all the love they have.
    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital . One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped in the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him - she swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said " Edna, I have good news and bad news.> The good news is you're being discharged , since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindednass.

    The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt after you saved him.

    I am sorry but he's dead.

    Edna replied " He didn't hang himself , I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home ? "

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    AMistake.............




    Attached Images
    "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."

  16. #56

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    Smojphace wrote:
    England are to change the badge on their football shirts.

    The 3 lions will be replaced with three tampons.

    To represent the worst fuckin period they've ever had.



    chezi.


    funniest so far

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"

    The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?"

    Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto think someone stole tent."
    Do to others as you would have them do to you. (Luke 6:31)

    From that time on Jesus began to preach, Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near. (Matthew 4:17)

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    They caught Garry Glitter in the river Thames yesterday attempting to top himself, police founding him bobbing up & down on a small buoy..

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    Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy clarkson & they start to chat. She says to him ''what do you do''? He says ''Top gear''.

    She says ''F*****g'' brilliant i'll have 3 grammes.

  20. #60
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    For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that a waiter named Bruce who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

    When another waiter brought our water, I noticed that Bruce also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

    "Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

    I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

    Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the Bruce,

    "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

    "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

    I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

    "Well," Bruce whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
    Do to others as you would have them do to you. (Luke 6:31)

    From that time on Jesus began to preach, Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near. (Matthew 4:17)

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